One Minute in the Closet

"They're never going to come out of there!" I said.

"I seriously doubt when you say 'never' that you can honestly mean it, as the truth of such a statement can't ever be measured with any accuracy whatever due to the strange mechanics of infinity."

I beat on the closet door with my right fist. "Come on, you guys! This game is called one minute in the closet - you've been in there for two hours!"

"Oh, hush," said Nellie. "Now that you've turned off that horrifying quote-unquote 'music,' we're having just as much fun as they are."

I glanced at Nellie. She was seated in a lotus position, eyes closed, chin resting in one palm. The "horrifying music" to which she referred was Jim's favorite mix CD of disco songs. Nell had screwed up her face pretty good when the 18-minute version of "MacArthur Park" by Donna Summer started playing; before it was less than half-way over, she was rolling on the floor with her hands pressed tight against her ears, howling in pain.

The Complete Sherlock Holmes Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"No we aren't," I said. "They're in there making out. You're all the way across the room 'reading' from The Complete Sherlock Holmes."

It was true. Nellie's photographic memory lent itself to instant and total recall of nearly a library's worth of books. It was also true that Citizen Jim, my best friend in the world, and Kiki Swanson were in the closet making out.

"Maybe if you could get them to come out of the closet, we could go in there," I said timidly, knowing this was out of the question.

Nellie's eyelids flew open, agitation swirling around her pupils like the funnels of tornadoes. "I don't think so," she said, and squeezed her eyes shut again.

I resumed banging on the closet door. "Kiki, you don't know what he might have! Haven't you ever wondered why he's so scared of the Town Whore? I think she gave him the clap one time."

Just then, the door to the closet flew open, knocking me ass over end until I was lying on my back with my head in Nellie's lap.

"Only you," Jim said, shaking his head. "You're facing the wrong way, Stimpy. For your information, we've been sitting in there for two hours trying to figure out why you're bringing all these other people into Gentlemen Callers, when we all know it's supposed to be about you and me ONLY!"

Kiki giggled from still inside the closet. "No we WEREN'T, you big goof! Get back in here!"

"That IS a good question," Nellie said, shoving me off her lap and standing up. "Lord only knows, I don't want to be in these stupid stories. It all strikes me as rather creepy. And most definitely not in any good way."

Kiki loped out of the closet smiling widely. She was wearing a black t-shirt with "Mensa SUX!" written across her chest in red glitter lettering.

"Oh, Nellie, you're just nutty! This is FUN!" Kiki said.

"You better do something, or I'm gonna rearrange your face!" Jim yelled. "If you're gonna put hot chicks in MY STORIES, the least you could do is make them have a slap-off, or have them roll around in a big tub of chocolate pudding."

"I don't care for chocolate," Nellie said.

Kiki spoke up. "I'm lactose intolerant," she said, then her eyes brightened. "But I LOVE the idea of a slap-off!"

I looked pleadingly at Jim. He made a fist and took a couple steps toward me.

"Okay," I sighed. "You two need to go, now. Maybe you can go talk about all the evil nuns you had to put up with in school or something. But you can't stay."

"Awwww, cooooome ON!" Kiki said as she backed out the door. "Please?"

Nellie grabbed her rifle, smashed her safari hat down over the crown of her head and said, "Goodtaseeya. Bye, now!"

A moment later, we could hear Nellie offering Kiki a ride on her horse:

"It's perfectly safe," Nellie was saying. "I've been riding since I was three."

"I wanna wear your hat, or I swear I'll walk!" Kiki yelled. "Hee yaw! If I slap the horse it'll go faster, right? Make it go as fast as it can!"

A shot rang out from Nellie's rifle, and she whooped, "Waaaah hooooo!" as Kiki screamed with obvious delight.

"And that just leaves us stuck with each other, as usual," I screamed at Jim as we stood alone in the middle of his living room. "Are you happy, now?"

"NO!" he yelled, and tackled me.

I knew that meant Yes...

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