MY CHANCES AT LOVE, WRECKED BY JIM
Part I: The Runaway Farm Show Queen

It's getting colder and colder outside, and I know that soon I won't be seeing quite as much of Citizen Jim as I normally do. This is because he hibernates during the winter in an elaborate system of tunnels he and his old girlfriend Elise dug from Mullet Point all the way into town and under Meredith's ancestral home on Fairhope Avenue.

Thinking of not seeing Jim makes me very sad, of course, but also turns my thoughts toward the ladies, and all the possibilities that now exist to go out on dates and have people over without fearing that Jim might pop in at any moment and ruin it all with a few carefully chosen words.

Oh, it's happened before.

Like the time I finally convinced a former Gilmer County Farm Show Queen to have dinner with me one evening in the ampitheatre in the courtyard of the college.

I knew it would be a feather in my cap, the Mobile, Ala., equivalent of dating a past Mardi Gras Queen. I'd planned such a romantic evening, with big tiki torches and a fine meal with excellent wine all spread out on a beautiful quilt (I told her I made the quilt; what's a little white lie?).

Well, just as we were getting ready to stuff hunks of gently roasted white meat chicken into one another's mouths, Jim, dressed in a grass skirt and some odd African mask, ran down over the hill from the direction of the Division of Education building. He was waving a big stick and shouting gibberish at us while he danced in a circle around our quilt.

Then it started raining! I was sooo maaaaad!

My Farm Show Queen was ready to rumble, and had a pistol cocked and aimed at Jim within a few seconds.

Jim took off his mask and said, "Hey! You tell that guttersnipe to stop pointing that gun at me, Krissy! Who does she think she is, Boots Black?"

That's when the former Farm Show Queen stood up and said, "When you said you was studying English and told me you liked Bill Clinton, I shoulda knew you was mixed up with this kinda weirdo crapola."

She fled the scene at top speed, which fashioned a perfect opening for Jim to say, "See? She was obviously just another damned Monkey Girl—now let's go get a steak!"

And I never saw my Farm Show Queen ever again!

Read a random GC installment!

Complete Archive