Down to Bidness
In which Citizen Jim arrives with a wagon full of "priceless treasure" he wants Chicken Sheets to sell for him on eBay. Uh huh...
A 'Stonishing Tale
In which Citizen Jim arrives to explain Citizen Dan Liebke's role in country superstar Keith Urban's losing battle with substance abuse.
Flavor of Jim
In which Citizen Jim is looking for a bride, and takes his cue from a wildly popular TV show starring a hopelessly ugly rapper.
Big feet, big...SHOES!
In which Citizen Jim arrives with bus tickets to Malaysia and permits to hunt the mighty Sasquatch!
Revenge
on the Installment Plan
In which Citizen Jim arrives with the news that, much to his extreme
displeasure and agitation, an old flame might be reading his wildly
popular and internationally famous weblog.
Don't
Mess with the IRS!
In which Citizen Jim demands that Chicken Sheets hand over all her
extra income in order to help him pay his outrageous 2005 taxes.
"That's
the biggest lie you've ever told me!"
In which Citizen Jim arrives after the "last" Gentlemen
Callers story has already been posted.
The
Farewell Installment
Citizen Jim arrives on Independence Day to confront Chicken Sheets with
his suspicions that GC's days are numbered . . .
BEA
2005
Citizen Jim arrives with an invitation to attend B.E.A. 2005—only
to be rebuffed when Chicken Sheets misunderstands what B.E.A. stands
for and figures he's lying. . .again!
Grand
Oprah
In which Citizen Jim arrives protesting what he mistakenly thinks is
Oprah Winfrey's latest bid to further infiltrate all aspects of American
life and commerce.
Idea
Man:
In which Citizen Jim arrives and decides a garage sale is the perfect
vehicle to raise $15,000 for "yet another hair-brained scheme." This
time, he wants a star on the Walk of Fame. . .
The
Pope Dope:
In which Citizen Jim phones in the dead of night to inform Chicken Sheets
that Armageddon is on its way via the Catholic Church's papal selection
process. O my Jesus!
Closer,
But No Cigar!:
In which Citizen Jim arrives demanding that Chicken Sheets start a blog,
and leaves mad as a hornet because she isn't moving to Alabama. Go figure!
Reality
Check!:
In which Citizen Jim arrives with
a Lifetime Television crew following his every move for the network's
new reality program.
Innocent
Bystander:
In which Citizen Jim arrives with his feelings hurt over a nasty e-mail
received in error from Ginny Good author Gerard Jones, whom Citizen
Jim then decides to make "a household name."
St.
Patrick's Day Installment:
In which Citizen Jim arrives being drunk and disorderly, with a plan
to enter Jay in the cat show...
Chamber
of Horror!:
In which Citizen Jim arrives at the annual Chamber of Commerce gala
wondering where all the zombies are.
BTK
is on the Loose:
In which Citizen Jim arrives to warn Chicken Sheets about an infamous
killer on the loose.
Just
Like Famous Amos:
In which Citizen Jim arrives with his feelings hurt over Chicken
Sheets' "book deal" . . .
"It's
landing that's a real BITCH!":
In which Citizen Jim "crashes" the two-person UNO party being
enjoyed by Chicken Sheets and her lady friend, Miss Mabel.
Awwwww
Crap!
In which Citizen Jim arrives only to scuffle with Mister Meme and
Miss Mabel.
Let
Freedom Scream:
In which Citizen Jim arrives on Indepedence Day to escort Chicken
Sheets to the annual fireworks display on Fairhope's Municipal Pier.
Special guest appearance by Lulu Whippy!
Kung
Fu Writing!
In which Citizen Jim arrives excited about the sale of his book
blurb to Quentin Tarantino, who hopes to make a film featuring the
Trascendentalists as martial arts masters. . .Oh, God help us!
Phone
Home!
In which Citizen Jim arrives with a soggy box full of old telephones,
claiming that he can't count on Chicken Sheets to ever keep her promises
to him. Oh, booooo hoooooo!
Drunk!
Jay's hitting the bottle again. This time, he almost KILLS Citizen
Jim during his arrival in Glenville. Awwww -hic!- aw crap!
Cursed!
In which Citizen Jim arrives with the news that a curséd
video stream is making the rounds, and that it has the ability to
make people vote for George Bush. Oh nooooooo!
Too
Many Words
In which Citizen Jim arrives with Lulu Whippy in tow, ready to lodge
a complaint. Grrreeaat!
Don't
Go Away Mad
In which Chicken Sheets tries to help her best friend in the world raise
the cash to buy new tires for his Jeep by entering herself and Citizen
Jim a tough-man contest. Of sorts. BAD idea . . .
The
Women Glow and Men Plunder
In which a mysterious visitor arrives on the doorstep of Chicken Sheets,
whereupon she discovers that Citizen Jim is in . . . Australia?!
Goodness gracious!
The
Magician's Assistant
In which Citizen Jim arrives with news
that he's discovered his idea of a dream job to finance his writing
habit. Naturally, he needs the help of Chicken Sheets to make this dream
a reality. . . Gah!
A
Con in Cannes!:
In which Citizen Jim arrives suddenly needing the help of Citizen Dan.
Well, well, well . . .
Sister
Sweetly
In which Citizen Jim arrives and erroneously assumes that Chicken
Sheets is getting "lucky." Naturally, he calls the news and
invites everyone in town to wait for the fun to end. Oh,
bother . . . And oh, brother!
Hobo
Jim's Boxcar Betrayal
In which Citizen Jim has a nasty trick played on him by "the
guys," and immediately runs crying to Chicken Sheets. What a SHOCKER!
Brian's
Song II
In which a one-time victim of misrepresentation in the Gentlemen
Callers saga gets his revenge on Chicken Sheets. Awww, crap!
Swimming
Pools, Movie Stars:
In which Citizen Jim demands the dialogue-writing skills of Chicken
Sheets when it's clear he stands to make a fortune peddling adult movie
scripts to an industry in crisis . . . Ah! Oh! Yeah baby! Ah!
Lost
Cause
In which Citizen Jim arrives in Glenville and harasses a videostore
clerk before ranting and raving about the lack of entertainment and
culture in the small town Chicken Sheets has made her home . . . That
figures!
Coming
to This Area
In which Citizen Jim arrives wondering if his best chance of finding
representation for his book The Downwindies has passed him by.
Holy moley . . .
Terror
in West Virginia!
In which something weird is happening to Farmer C.'s cows, and Citizen
Jim thinks he has the answer to the puzzle. Of course, he's not even
close . . . BIG surprise!
The
BIG Move
In which Citizen Jim arrives contrite and full of regret over the
way he has treated Chicken Sheets for the last 13 years. Needless to
say, Chicken Sheets fears something is wrong . . . EEEEEK!
How
to Fix the Oscars, Part I and Part II
In which Citizen Jim—who has his own ideas about who should
be awarded by the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences—coerces
Chicken Sheets into helping him . . . What an idiot!
Disappointed
Cows
In which Jim's close relationship with Cow Number Four is revealed after
he blames Chicken Sheets for starting Mad Cow Disease in the US . .
. Good Lord!
The
West Virginia Bike Chain Massacre
In which a killer is on the loose in Gilmer County, and only one
person can crack the case...Jeez!
Life
Begins at 30
A special anniversary installment, bringing together the past and present
to celebrate the beauty and terror of the "abusive partnership" between Citizen Jim and Chicken Sheets...
Fear
and Loathing
Ever wonder what it would be like if Citizen Jim ran for public office?
AAAUUUUGH!
Something's
Missing
Citizen Jim goes on a crash diet only to embarrass Chicken Sheets...Ah,
man...
We're
RICH!
In which Citizen Jim arrives with a wad of cash...and lots of explaining
to do...Awww, crap!
...Against
the World!
A lone troubador parks beneath Chicken Sheets's window to serenade her
with soft hits from the 70s...Oh, brrrrroooother!
No
Pets, No Reps
In which Citizen Jim tries to be supportive of Chicken Sheets's career...Uh
oh!
How
to Beat the Heat
In which Citizen Jim comes face to face with Senator John D. Rockefeller,
one of the most powerful men in Washington, perhaps the world...Oh no!
Never
Good Enough!
In which Citizen Jim tries to please Chicken Sheets with a "great
surprise;" unfortunately, Chicken Sheets and Jim's choice of a
"special guest," Senator Robert C. Byrd, have met before...Eeeesh!
Citizen
Jim: A Good Patriot!
In which Citizen Jim tries to help out Attorney General John Ashcroft
in the War on Terror...Oh, brother!
Citizen
Jim Forever!
In which Chicken Sheets sets out to build a distinctive web presence
for Citizen Jim, who is never pleased with anything. Ever.
Lies!:
A Very Special Gentlemen Callers (by Citizen Jim)
In which we are told the "true" story of how Citizen Jim and
Chicken Sheets met and became the freakish force of nature they now
are.
Spring
Break!
In which Chicken Sheets's plans for a week of mindless sex with barely
legal girls is put on hold when Citizen Jim arrives to vacation in West
Virginia.
The
Runaway Farm Show Queen
In which Jim sets out to further ruin Chicken Sheets's romantic prospects,
this time with the Belle of the Gilmer County Ball. Well, HECK FAHR!
One
Minute in the Closet
Another story featuring "Nellie," a compulsive liar, and Kiki
Swanson, a former chickensheets.com columnist and the current, unwilling
object of Chicken Sheets' love.
Madame
X & Mr. Feynman's Pajamas!
In which Citizen Jim entertains "Nellie," a compulsively lying
genius, who is brought round to Jim's place by Chicken Sheets.
Big
Time
In which Citizen Jim arrives to strut around following national publication
and mention of him by name in Publisher's Weekly.
My
Revenge
In which Chicken Sheets gets her revenge on Citizen Jim.
What
is Wrong with You?!
Because she is missing Citizen Jim, Chicken Sheets tries to approximate
their relationship through an unwitting—and unwilling— third
party.
Valentine's
Day Installment
Lonely and alone, Citizen Jim arrives feeling dejected; as a result,
he puts a stop to Chicken Sheets's Valentine's Day plans.
It
Was Only a Matter of Time
In which Citizen Jim does the unthinkable while Chicken Sheets is passed
out from drinking too much alcohol.
A
Day at the Races
In which Citizen Jim tries to win the respect of Chicken Sheets
by challenging an imagined rival to a dangerous motorcycle race.
Puttin'
On Makeup. . .
In which a meaningful love connection between Chicken Sheets and a girl
she once dated is thwarted by Citizen Jim.
He
Told Me So!
Citizen Jim arrives in a "new" vehicle to berate Chicken Sheets
when her beloved Honda breaks down.
Citizen
Jim Invades the Land of Food
In which Citizen Jim arrives unexpectedly, having found himself in need
of an editor. This is the first of many stories referencing Jim's failed
relationship with Chasers star, Erika Eleniak.
Up
to my Old Tricks
A local restaurant is the setting for this heartwarming remembrance
of things past.
All
My New Friends
Citizen Jim arrives in Glenville a bitter, broken man, but is cheered
when he learns some good news from Chicken Sheets.
The
Mystery of the Missing Don Rickles Videos
In which Citizen Jim arrives in Grant Town HOPPING MAD to retrieve some
things he wrongly accuses Chicken Sheets of having. Features a "guest
appearance" by Lulu Whippy. BONUS: The final chapter of Citizen
Jim's The Downwindies.
Hallowe'en
Installment
In which Citizen Jim travels from Alabama to West Virginia to relive
some old memories with Chicken Sheets. BONUS: An excerpt from Citizen
Jim's "novel in progress."
The
Very First Gentlemen Callers Story Ever
In which Citizen Jim arrives unexpectedly on the doorstep to return
some of Chicken Sheets's belongings after she moves a thousand miles
to get away from him. BONUS: Forrest Gump's pre-publication review of
The Downwindies.
