"Puttin' on Makeup. . . ":
Another Chance with a Cheerleader Down the Tubes!

I was sitting at my desk one evening trying to update the Official Citizen Jim Web Site® when I heard a horrible commotion under the window: it sounded as though a pack of wolves was fighting over a 5 oz. steak, only with cursing and the gong-like sounds of a hollow pipe striking some hard surface.

As the wild yelping of a dog faded into the distance, I heard a voice say, "You get back here and fight like a man, you lily-livered little chow hound!"

Then the phone rang, and I answered it.

"Where the hell are you?" Citizen Jim shouted.

I knew where he was by the echo: under my window.

But I asked anyway. "I'm at home, where are—"

"Yeahyeah, I know you're at home! You were supposed to be at the airport and never showed up, you heartless bitch!" he yelled. "And now I don't have a job because of you!"

I don't know how many times I'd heard that from Citizen Jim! He's blamed me every time he's been fired from a job, even from the ones he had before I knew him.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"If you're sorry, why don't you come downstairs and let me in? I'm freezing my ass off out here!"

"Promise you won't hit me?" I asked.

"Fer fuck's sake! When have I ever hit you?" Jim asked.

"Only every time we've been in public together?" I said.

"Tripping and kicking and tackling are not hitting, Missy," Jim reminded me. "Now come open this door right now!"

When I opened the door, I nearly wept. Standing there with soft, dry snow floating all around him was Jim in a pair of Bermuda shorts, a black t-shirt and sandals. His hair stuck up wildly from six different directions and he had blood all over his arms.

"Oh my God!" I screamed, moving forward to touch him.

Jim pulled away. "Haven't you done enough? Let me in! And make me some hot chocolate!"

As we climbed the stairs, I asked Jim where his Jeep was, as he hadn't parked anywhere near my apartment.

"I didn't drive that damned Jeep up here. I had me a better idea," he said. "Remember that giant Schnauzer old Dr. Woolly used to bring to the bookstore all the time?"

I did. I had never seen a dog and an owner locked in such deadly enmity as Hymie and Dr. Woolly. Dr. Woolly often came into the store with entire limbs bandaged from his dealings with his dog.

"Well," Jim went on to say, "he left that dog tied up outside the bookstore yesterday, so when I was walking by on my way to Christmas Around the Corner, I untied it and hopped on its back and started riding up here."

I smiled at Jim's cleverness. "Well, I'm glad you made it," I said.

"Oh really?" Jim said, then grabbed my arm and twisted it until I sank to the floor, wincing in pain. "Now why weren't you at the airport? I sat there for three days waiting on your flight, and it finally showed up, but you weren't on it!"

I bit his bare calf and he finally released me. "Why would you be waiting for me at the airport?" I asked.

"Your BIG VISIT!" Jim yelled, throwing his hands upward. "We had this planned out to the very last detail! And then you stood me up!"

I shook my head and sighed. "You silly thing! I'm not supposed to be there until January 4th," I said.

"January? What do you mean, January? We decided you'd get there December 4th and that you'd leave when I said you could!"

That was what he'd decided. When I said there was no way I could make those kinds of arrangements, Jim had flown into a rage, threatening to break my legs when I finally did get there, but I was sure he'd finally agreed to make other plans.

He shook his head. "I don't know anything about this January crap," he said. "Every time you open your mouth, out rolls lie after lie after lie!"

"I have the tickets," I said, and went into my office to get them. He followed close behind me, kicking the backs of my shoes the entire time and pinching my ears.

"You give me that," he said, snatching the tickets as soon as I picked them up off my desk. He examined the tickets closely, glancing up at me every two seconds, as if I had the power to change the information with the force of my mind.

He handed them back to me. "Ah, Stimpy, I'm sorry," he said, hitting himself on the forehead. "I just got mixed up, is all. Forgive me?"

"Of course!" I said. There was nothing I wouldn't forgive Jim, whether he asked forgiveness or not, and I told him so.

"Good. Because I got something else to tell you," he said. "Remember that girl you went out with that one time? You know, the one that every time you asked her what she was doing, she'd say, 'Puttin' on makeup...'?"

"I think so," I said. "You mean the cheerleader?"

"Yeah! The cheerleader. Well, I bumped into her while I was waiting for you at the airport," he said, and stomped my foot with his own.

"And?" I said.

"Well, and she asked about you. Said she sure wished you come to Alabama for a visit so you two could go out sometime."

"Really?" I asked; I was very excited to hear this news.

"Yeah, really," Jim said.

"Did you tell her I was coming to visit?"

"Hell no! I told her I'd been there waiting on your ass for two days and that I figured your plane crashed and you weren't coming."

I asked if he got her phone number for me.

"Nah," he said. "After I told her you weren't coming, her cell phone rang and she said she was sorry but that it was the hospital calling about a patient she'd just done open heart surgery on that morning and could I excuse her. Then she took off."

"So she's a doctor now? And she wanted to go out with me, but you told her I'd been killed in a plane crash? ARE YOU NUTS?!" I screamed.

"You said you'd forgive me anything!" Jim shouted. "Besides that, you got me fired!"

"How the hell did I get you fired?"

"Granny said I was asking for too much time off for your visit and she said she could get someone else who didn't need to be gone so much. Then she kicked me in the leg and threw the Penguin Classics catalog at me and said, 'Good riddance to tacky rubbish!' and made me leave the store," Jim said. "So you owe me an apology to go with that hot chocolate you're supposed to be making before I smash your face in."

He was right. I started crying and said I was sorry.

Of course.

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