All My New Friends

"I know you're up there! I can see the outline of your stinky, scraggly pony tail! You let me in, or I'll swing my bat rope up there and drag you down by your neck, you awful beast!"

As always, my heart skipped a beat: it was Jim!

When I threw open the door to greet him, I was flooded with a feeling of love and sympathy, for his sweatshirt was torn in five places, with snot frozen along the neckline, the sleeves filthy. There were icicles hanging from his earlobes, nose and chin.

He'd apparently maneuvered a Razor scooter the whole 900 miles from Fairhope to Glenville, and I could tell by the way he stood with his knees locked together that he desperately needed to use the bathroom.

Before I could invite him inside, he knocked me over and ran up the stairs toward my apartment, yelling the whole way, "I'm comin' in, so you better look out! Where are ya? I'll find ya, don't worry!"

By the time I got upstairs, he'd pulled books off the bookshelves, turned over my couch, and was in the process of throwing clothes from my dresser all over my bedroom.

"What're you doing?" I screamed at him.

"Where are they? You better tell me, or I'll—"

We'd been through all this before, unfortunately. Or so I thought. When I reminded Jim that I did not have the ultra-thin, glow-in-the-dark, "Alien Tickler" condoms that he'd bought when he was expecting to have his big chance with *** *******, he only grew more agitated.

"You know I'm not talking about rubbers! I'm talking about them, ALL YOUR NEW FRIENDS!" he yelled, then began sobbing.

I told him I didn't have any new friends. Before I could finish, he'd stopped crying and started searching through my night stand. "Don't give me that! You're telling me you've lived here for eight months and you haven't been yak yak yakkity yakkin with all the custodians and cafeteria ladies and maintenance men who work up there at that school?"

I insisted that he had it all wrong. That I hadn't made even one new friend, let alone 20 or 30. Then I started sobbing.

"Hey, now, don't start that crap. You mean, it's true? You really don't have any friends around here?" Jim asked, putting his arm around me.

I shook my head, still unable to speak.

"Truly? No new friends, not even one?" he asked.

I stammered a "No," and sobbed anew.

"Ha ha! I love it! That's classic!" he said gleefully. "Oh, man, wait til I tell Chink Dixie back at the grocery store! And all those old ladies you knew in town! And all those customers who were so upset when Koo Koo Karin fired you from the bookstore! Oh, and **** *******? She'll bust a gut? Ha ha! Seeya!"

With that, he ran back down the stairs and started the long trip back to Fairhope on his Razor scooter, cackling like a mad man.

I missed him even before he was gone.

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