Miss Mabel and I can't ever come to a pleasing compromise on Sunday evening when my desire to tune in to "The Simpsons" and "Arrested Development" collides with her demand that we sit crying and crying and crying for an hour while watching "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition."

Thus, I was in the middle of hooking up a television in my home office one evening when there was a knock at the window. I ignored it, thinking it might be the receptionist from where I work, checking in to see why I hadn't been at the office for a week. "I've got PNEUMONIA!" I yelled in the direction of the window. "Now get LOST!"

"I'm not going anywhere 'til you open this window and let me ask you something!" was the reply. But it wasn't Bonnie.

Arrested Development Season 1 DVD

"Jim?" I said, dropping the cable I was holding and rushing to part the curtains. I turned the crank to open the window while Jim breathed heavily, hands on his hips, mouth turned down into an angry frown. "What're you doing out there?"

"I've been standing out on the front stoop knocking for half an hour, but every time Miss Mabel sees it's me, she slams the door in my face!" he yelled. "And, anyway, I'm here to ask the questions, NOT ANSWER THEM!"

I leaned on the window sill and sighed. "Okay. Ask away."

"That's a whole lot fucking better," Citizen Jim said. "Now. Answer me this: why don't you have a blog?"

"Are you kidding? You came all the way from Alabama to ask me why I—"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

I shrugged. "I don't know why I don't have a blog. I guess because I've never been able to get in the habit of posting on one."

"Well, you need to get in the habit of posting on one, and I mean PRONTO," he said. "Even Pamela Anderson has one, and if she can do it, I know you can. Those blogs are all the rage now, you know."

"Actually, blogs are, like, so three years ago," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Well then, how would you like me to KNOCK YOUR ASS INTO THREE YEARS AGO if you don't start a blog?" Jim shouted.

"But why?"

"Because I don't know what the hell is going on in your life most of the time."

"I can tell you right now, if you want," I said. "For one thing, I'm putting a TV in my office so I can watch 'Arrested Development' in peace."

Jim whipped out a tiny notebook and a pen. "Okay, that's good. DAMN, that Portia de Rossi's as hot as a flaming jalapeño popper filled with habañero extract and Ben Gay. And I don't care what you say, there's no way she can really be a lesbian. Now. What else?"

"I'm recovering from a bout of walking pneumonia. Miss Mabel quit her job. And—"

"Can you SLOW DOWN one fucking minute? I'm not a goddamn SPEED WRITER, like YOU!" he screamed, still scribbling furiously. He looked up. "And?"

"And we're moving in about a month," I said.

Arrested Development Season 2 DVD

Jim stopped writing. "You're what? MOVING?" he asked, then threw his notebook in the air before he started dancing a jig. "Yahoo waaahhhoooo! You're finally bringing your sorry ass back to Alabama! I knew you'd come to your senses sooner or—"

"No, Jim. We're not moving to Alabama." I hated to ruin it for him, but I had no choice.

He stopped dancing and stared at me. "Well, sure you are. Where else would you move?"

"We're moving to South Carolina," I said, "so we can be closer to Miss Mabel's kin."

"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Jim shouted. "I moved north of Fairhope to be closer to you, and now you aren't going to return the favor?"

"South Carolina is closer to you than West Virginia," I offered.

"Closer, BUT NO CIGAR!" he yelled.

"I'm sorry," I said. "We did plan to visit you after we get settled in."

"Oh, don't try and make friends with me, now," he said, picking up his notebook and sticking the pen behind his ear. "Oh, I can't wait 'til one day you're watching E! and there's your favorite so-called 'lesbian,' Portia de Rossi, hanging all over Edward Burns on the set of one of his CRAPPY MOVIES!"

I chuckled, shaking my head at Jim's folly: everyone knows my favorite lesbian is Alicia Silverstone. "How about a compromise: I'll put a log of my thoughts and life events on my web site in a sort of blog-like thing," I said. "You'll know what's happening, and I won't need to bother with something as passé as an actual blog."

He rested his hands on his hips again, eyes closed. "Until you tell me you're packing your shit and moving back to Alabama, I don't want to hear another thing about it. If my feelings weren't so hurt right now, I'd come through the screen on that window and pound your face in."

I didn't say another word.

Nose pressed against the window screen, Jim continued his threats. "Listen, Missy, if you don't keep your promise to start up one of those blogs, I'll come back and make you wish you never learned to use a computer!" he yelled, then stomped off. Seconds later, he reappeared. "And you better give me that new address so I can find you later."

Without acknowledging this, I closed the window and went back to hooking up the alternate TV, hoping it would save my relationship with Miss Mabel in the long run.

—————

(Miss Mabel's note: A pack of LIES! I NEVER complain about watching "Arrested Development." It's the idiotic CARTOON that comes on before it that peels the skin off my last nerve. Gosh!)

Read a random GC installment!

Complete Archive