It was a rainy, dreary Friday night and I couldn't sleep. I was about to dissolve a handful of Xanax in a shot glass full of vodka when I heard a horrible racket coming from outside my home office window. A few firecrackers exploded before three gunshots scared my cat Jay so badly that he opened one eye and stared into space for at least two seconds. A moment later, he rolled over onto his back and fell asleep again.

As soon as I heard Citizen Jim's voice outside my front door, I was overjoyed! Now I didn't care if I never got sleepy.

When I answered the door, he was standing in the rain, hair soaking, water dripping from every part of him that was pointing downward. He held a huge, soggy box in his arms.

"Don't just stand there looking guilty, you little beast! LET ME IN!" he shouted.

By the time we reached the top of the stairs, the box he was holding had all but fallen completely apart. When he let it drop to the floor, I saw that it was full of telephones of every shape, color and size.

"What're all these phones for?" I asked.

"That's just what I thought you'd ask," he said. "Don't ever say I come ill-prepared for your stupid questions whenever I waste my time visiting you."

"Okay. But what are they for?" I asked again.

"I figured you might need them," Citizen Jim told me.

"But why? I have three telephones, and these all look like you found them at a thrift store somewhere," I said, noticing an old portable handset that was bigger than a brick in the middle of the pile on the floor.

"You've got THREE TELEPHONES, eh? And they're all in perfect working order, right?"

"Sure. Yeah. I mean—"

"That's pretty goddamned interesting to know!" Citizen Jim's face turned bright red and he tensed up, fists glued to his sides while he ranted and raved. "I just figured you must have forgotten what a phone looks like and how to use one SINCE YOU NEVER CALLED ME WHEN YOU SAID YOU WOULD!"

Then his fists came up and slammed into either side of his head.

"Precious lamb, please don't hurt yourself," I said.

"Why not? It's either HURT MYSELF, or wait around for YOU TO DO IT!" he screamed. "I had some important stuff to tell you but you couldn't even be bothered to return my call! Do I have to burst into tears and threaten to kill myself every time I need to talk to you?"

"I don't know what you're on about, now," I said. "I'm just standing here!"

"Okay. Fine. But let me ask you something: have you just been standing there since last night?"

"Of course not," I said. "Why are you being so silly?"

"Why am I being silly? Why are you being SUCH A BITCH? You SAID you'd call me BACK when I interrupted your PHONE SEX CALL on Thursday night."

"Phone sex? Oh, Jim, don't be ridicu—"

"Don't act like you've never heard of such a thing! I know for a fact you read that damned Nicholson Baker book way back in 1992," he said. "I just have to wonder how many times I've called over the last twelve years and you didn't even answer because you were breathing all funny into the phone and touching your—Oh, you just wait until I tell MITCHELL'S WIFE about this! That woman's gonna POUND YOU!"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled. "You've got it ALL WRONG, as usual."

"Well, the least you could have done was call me back. But I guess maybe you couldn't see to punch the buttons on your phone because YOU WENT BLIND from being NAUGHTY! Whether it was Mitchell or Farmer C., I don't care. I just never thought PHONE SEX would be more important to you than hearing MY BIG NEWS!"

My heart fell, and tears welled in my eyes. "Oh, Jim! I'm so sorry!"

"Well, sorry doesn't dial the goddamn phone, Missy!" he shouted. "Now you owe me a REAL apology, plus a big carb-free dinner! Now come on!"

"Wait. What was your big news?" I asked.

"I'm not telling you now! You'll just have to watch '60 Minutes' on Sunday night to find out," he said. "Just forget about it and let's go get a steak!"

I dried my eyes and smiled, happy that Citizen Jim was so forgiving of my unending thoughtlessness.

That damned Nicholson Baker book:

Vox
Nicholson Baker

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